He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The power of my boobs compel you
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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