I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Your cock deserves a montage
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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