New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
