Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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