i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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