is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Still dying that you shit outside
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
