the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
