No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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