Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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