It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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