I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
