Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
