So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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