Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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