My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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