So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
