I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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