You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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