what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
