The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
