Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
