Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
