I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
