woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My dick has a subreddit
Come share oat with me in your robe
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
