So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
