He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
