Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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