Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Randomize
