im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
