my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
