i barfeds in our rink
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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