it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
