So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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