She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
