i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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