My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Bang-toberfest begins!!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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