I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
