do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
This toilet bowl is my home.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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