If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
