so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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