Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
