so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Randomize