guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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