Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Randomize