I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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