I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
please come you make the beer taste better
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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