I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He felt like a one man threesome
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
