At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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