I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Sober January is a disaster.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
