so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
