Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
