i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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