I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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