I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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