What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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