The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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