Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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