You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
